I had trouble writing that. It just seemed wrong.
The porn -mogul announced the engagement via Twitter, because that smoking jacket-wearing motherfucker is up with the technology. His bride-to-be is the Playboy model and much younger Crystal Harris. And when I say much younger, I mean much younger: she’s 24, he’s 84. That’s a sixty year difference. Do you think that breaks some kind of record?
Reasons for the marriage are obvious: she’s fucking head-over-heels in love and completely smitten by Mr. Hefner’s old wrinkly cock, and he has been blinded by her shining intellect.
Former long-term girlfriend Holly Madison isn’t feeling too awesome about the whole thing. Her and Hef were together for seven years, though never exclusive, and at one point she was trying to have his baby. Rumors abounded that Hugh was dry however, and they eventually parted ways.
The Hefman has actually been married twice before. The first time was before the creation of Playboy; it lasted ten years and apparently ended when his wife was unfaithful. They say Hugh’s heart was smashed to pieces by the betrayal; he now keeps those pieces in his smoking jacket pocket along with his pipe tobacco and 1000 dollar bills.
Second marriage was to Kimberly Conrad, a Playboy Playmate. Kim and Hef had two children together, then separated in 1999. Their divorce became official in 2010. Hugh says the couple stayed together so long for the sake of the kids, Awww, Hugh, what a softie. We’re not sure why you’re having another go at it, but we wish you elderly marital bliss.