Sexiest Polar Mammals

Let’s herald in the birthday of our magic sky friend with a witty collection of pseudo bestiality thinly veiled as humor, shall we? Sexiest Polar animals, GO:

Walrus- In this day of cosmetically induced homogeneity it’s rare to find someone who stands out from the crowd. If you think a grease-stained beard with a hairy back is “bear” enough for you, check out the Walrus. Mustache: Check. Beer belly: check. Tusks? Fuck yeah. Something about a guy with two ivory dildos shoved in his hair-lipped mouth just reeks of knowing how to have a good time.

Penguins- With sleek bodies like armless gymnasts, these aquatic waterfowl slide in and out of the freezing water. Bask in their delicate splendor as they walk across the winter plains in brisk, hobbled steps like a team of drunken hobos with their pants around their ankles. Size ain’t shit, but I’m not sure anyone has ever seen a penguin’s cock before.

Polar Bears- This may be a personal bias of mine. I once, as a youth, saw a polar bear at the zoo scratching his back against a portion of the fake rock jutting out from his cell wall. Just scratching away in a full standing position, when suddenly, out of the periphery of my child’s eye, a white flash streaks across the enclosure and Ma Ma Bear takes the cock of Pa Pa Bear down her throat smooth as a popsicle. She must have had her muzzle to the sack as parents made blindfolds out of their hands to protect the virgin eyes of their offspring from the hideously perverse world of fellatio animalia. Good memories.

Sperm Whales- Really, what could you possibly say?

Dall Sheep- Like it’s cousin from a warmer climate, the Arctic Sheep is a climber. All that climbing is hard work. The resultant endurance and steel-hard buttocks have enticed “wood-be” suitors for centuries (I’m pretty sure there’s some sheep fucking in the Bible). And just to make sure you don’t slip on the ice, these rams come fully equipped with a set of Schwinn handle bars made out of Keratin, just like human finger nails!

Arctic Fox- “The Arctic fox sometimes will enlarge ground squirrel burrows with several entrances and use the burrows for dens.” So, in review, it will ream out the front and back entrance and get all up in there and just make himself at home.  How lovely!

Narwhal- This toothed whale is known for his ability to “deep dive.” Since the Middle Ages their tusks have been harvested and sold as unicorn horns. The horn of the Unicorn was thought to possess untold boner power. While not traditionally sexy in the same way as the penguin or the walrus, the thought of Vikings snorting lines of crushed tusk off the back bough of their ship in order to maintain their swarthy, barbarian husks of cock could be a turn-on for many folks.

Japanese Macaques- Bathing in a hot spring in Nagano, Japan all day long and grooming your buddies has to be the coolest beat-the-cold remedy known to the entire animal kingdom. It’s like nature’s own gang shower stall at a bathhouse. All those warm, steaming, wandering hands inspecting hair and crevices. Matted, damp fur pressed against hot flesh surrounded by on-lookers with cameras and snack foods. These simian geniuses practically invented porn, and if that’s not hot enough for you, they’re Asian!

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This entry was posted on Friday, December 24th, 2010 at 2:52 pm and is filed under Blow job, Boner, Cock, Fetish, Fucking, Sex, Voyeurism. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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