What The Kama Sutra Never Told You

Everybody’s favorite classic guide to fucking may seem like it’s all fun and games; until somebody gets hurt. Originally intended to serve as a strategy guide for penises and vaginas everywhere, the book is now often used as a “position of the day” game. Before getting yourself all worked up only to suffer from neck strains and cramps, watch out for these dangerous Kama Sutra moves that may just land you in the hospital:

The Suspended Congress: While I won’t go into too much detail, this position involves a man leaning against a wall while holding the girl’s ass as she wraps her legs around his waist. In a nutshell, having sex while standing up is a recipe for disaster. Not only is it uncomfortable, but you feel as if your partner could slip through at any given time. While most man will never admit to not being able to hold a girl up, doing so will put you at risk of getting some serious back pains. If the woman is dropped, she could crack her tailbone and have her arms pop straight out of their sockets. A scary thought that puts me right off of this human sex-swing idea.

The Turning Position: Also known as “The Helicopter” this position consists of the man turning himself around while still inside the woman. Not only could this snap your dick in half, but you also run the risk of tearing up your partner’s insides if you’re not careful enough.

Shuka Hairs: The Kama Sutra provides a nifty little recipe for increasing the size of your member. Simply take some “shuka hairs” (a form of wasp) and oil and rub it against your penis for ten nights. Once you see some swelling, sleep facing downwards on a wooden bed with your shlong hanging through a hole. Easy! While I’m sure that rubbing wasp stingers on your dick will make it bigger, you do not want to experience any of the potential side effects. Plus, how could you possibly have sex after rubbing venom all over your cannon?

The Pressed Position: While facing each other, the woman places her feet against the man’s chest; who then proceeds to massage it. Though it may seem harmless, tickling a girls foot while having sex is a recipe for disaster. You don’t want her to have a fit and kick you in face. You’ll end up losing some teeth and making a complete fool out of yourself. Plus, feet gross me out.

Moral of the story? If you’re into complicated sex positions, stick to living vicariously through the ladies and gents in free porn.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, September 26th, 2010 at 3:07 pm and is filed under Boner, Free porn, Free Sex, Fucking, Porn, Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “What The Kama Sutra Never Told You”

  1. assurdess Says:

    Thanks for the tips!

  2. alexa Says:

    nice position i want to try

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