The Science of Sexuality: Tom Cruise Woos His Women With Scientology

Long before Tom Cruise reached new heights in douchebaggery, he was a generic metrosexual sex symbol starring in hits like Top Gun and Cocktail. It’s no secret that his evolution into a big-mouthed, Brooke Shields dissing wacko can be traced to his introduction to Scientology and his indoctrination in the church itself, however what is unclear is how he’s been able to pull A-List hotties since becoming the laughing stock of Hollywood.

It’s been said that Cruise’s first wife, Mimi Rogers, convinced to Tom to give scientology a chance and it’s hard to blame him for listening – Mimi Rogers is a stone cold fox, even at 54 – but why not just fake interest as long as you were mounting her like Lt. Daniel Kaffee in A Few Good Men?

Regardless, fake religion has served Cruise well, as Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz and Katie Holmes have all fallen prey to his creepy charisma over the years. So in the spirit of scientific pursuit, let’s put each starlet under the microscope.

#1 Nicole Kidman

When Nicole Kidman married Tom Cruise on December 24, 1990, she was a relative unknown. Of course, she should have seen Tom’s bizarre behavior coming, especially since their wedding date was just another nod towards Tom’s growing Jesus complex. Despite Kidman’s lack of fame at the time, what was apparent was that Tom had traded up – upgrading Rogers for someone younger and hotter, with a sexy Australian accent to boot. Late in their marriage, the two made Eyes Wide Shut, a Michael Jackson like attempt to prove that Tom was in fact not into gay fish in the bedroom. Unfortunately, this backfired (despite the fact that it was nearly a porn film) when Nicole dumped his dopey ass and confirmed the aforementioned rumors.

#2 Penelope Cruz

On the list of Tom Cruise’s major love interests, Penelope Cruz gains points for staying with him for the shortest amount of time – a mere 3 years. The two met on the set of Vanilla Sky, where Cruise continued his disturbing trend of dating co-stars (a career oriented move if there ever was one), making his love life seem more promotional than promiscuous. Watching Vanilla Sky, we were moved to feel sorry for Penelope – a fine Latina that probably needed one hell of a fucking after hanging with Tom for 3 years. Run for the hills and don’t look back, sweet Penelope!

#3 Katie Holmes

The tale of Katie Holmes is one of warming for naïve young girls everywhere: beware powerful pervs with a penchant for putting the moves on co-workers. Katie isn’t seen much these days, however when she was a teen star on Dawson’s Creek she steamed up the screen until her stock was through the roof. Not only has Tom Cruise killed her career with his inane antics, but their lovechild (Suri) is a certified Alien halfling. Look at her large eyes and pale grey skin.

Our advice to Katie is to get out while there’s still time. Scientology it seems is Tom’s love potion, and one that has the side effects of a cult – it’s a good thing that all the other women in Tom’s life stopped drinking the kool-aid and brought their hot bodies back to earth. Now it’s time for an intervention – we need to help poor Katie!

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This entry was posted on Sunday, September 19th, 2010 at 2:18 pm and is filed under Celebrity, Fucking, Porn, Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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